Ten Random Parenting Bummers (Young Children Edition)

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Swim diapers are cute. Poop in swim diapers? Not cute.

[Perhaps I should have called this "Body Fluid Edition" instead? That might have been redundant.]

1. Poop in swim diapers. ‘Nuff said.

2. Playmobil or Lego sets that are put together exactly once and for only approximately 42 minutes before they are disassembled and their million tiny pieces scatter to the four winds and end up right under your bed where your feet are likely to find them in the middle of the night.

3. Walking toddlers. Once they start walking, they start falling. That leads to…

4. Mouth injuries. Not only will you want to both hurl and hyperventilate when you see exactly how much a mouth wound bleeds, but you can also have the fun of cradling broken teeth, applying pressure to split lips, or anticipating the Gray Tooth of Nerve Death. Suddenly, preschool pictures won’t seem like something to look forward to anymore.

5. Night terrors. The kid will go back to sleep and won’t remember it in the morning, but the speed ball of adrenaline stuck in your throat after the sudden, blood-curdling, middle-of-the-night screams will not so easily fade.

6. The lost lovey. Your child will never again seem as detail-oriented as when he is listing the attributes of his special buddy, down to the last worn thread on its head or the marker stain on its belly, and why you can never, ever replace it or convince your child that it is okay to sleep without it. FYI: the replacement lovey you bought will not do.

7. Wet sheets. For any reason. Especially in a bed that currently contains you.

8. Dead batteries, particularly on long car or plane trips.

9. Children who have completed potty training but haven’t yet mastered the art of wiping their own bums. For some reason, the call of “Mommy, wipe me!” just demoralizes me every single time.

10. Unexpected stomach viruses, because little kids never, ever make it to the bathroom in time. I once had to clean a trail of bright red spaghetti puke out of one son’s bedroom carpet that started at his bed and continued all the way to the bathroom and splashed up one wall. Spectacular. Another time, my 2-year-old threw up all the way down the slide at the kindergarten Easter Egg Hunt. Children and mothers made a quick mass exodus. We were very popular that year.



Comments

  1. Once, I had to catch my toddler’s vomit with my bare hands because we were on a plane. It was a spectacular catch.
    Oh, head wounds are also mighty bloody. Eeek.

  2. Might I add poop in the tub? (And not the easy-to-catch nuggety kind.)

  3. Alix Campbell says:

    Finley’s two front teeth were both that lovely gray/yellow color – injured within a year of each when he was one. I can’t tell you how happy I was when they finally fell out:)

    And as for vomit, I am still confounded by the fact that my first instinct when my kids start to puke is to put out my hands to catch it! I guess the mom in me recognizes that it’s much easier to wash myself than clean a carpet!

  4. I too, have made a spectacular bare hand vomit catch. Serious parenting stripes there.

  5. Anytime I look in the mirror and think to myself – yeah, I got this – I’m still a badass and one of my kids screams at me and says, mommy, come and wipe my hiny! I know that I am lying to myself ;-)

    Also, the other day, Shaila was in the bathroom washing her hands and Nico was on the toilet peeing. Somehow, I don’t know how, he ended up shooting it straight at her. Having to yell, “stop peeing on your sister!” are words that I never imagined having to say as a mother.

  6. How about the freaking snack crumbs EVERYWHERE. We can’t walk three feet from our house without everyone getting a damn snack trap with 4900 grams of carbs to fuel them. WTF.

  7. several years ago, I watched children in my home – - one little fella had a stomach virus on Sunday – - came back to me Monday. By thursday, and I kid you not, 3 of the others got it – - within 1 hour of each other. They were throwing up in a synchronized manner – - but the worst was the one that had pureed carrots for lunch. It happened in the pack n play. And 2 of the 3 parents were teachers, so it’s not that easy to get out of class and come running!

  8. Bare hand vomit catch in a fast food chain was the worst for me. People who were eating were watching us and oh my.. the smell was bad. It was embarrassing. Good thing I was able to catch it and saved J’s clothes from the stain and the smell.

  9. Word.

  10. Having to take stuff away from your one-year-old because it’s a choking hazard (like an apple in the backseat of the car! Or the contact solution top! Etc!) but you can’t explain that, so they’re just super ridiculously mad.

    Any of the bodily fluids on planes. Especially WHEN THEY GET ON YOU AND YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

  11. Reading this makes me glad that my kids are mostly over all these things… especially the “wipe me, mommy!” cry. :)

  12. Great list. I’ve got 8 of these.

    I knew that we were into parenthood when I instinctively caught my daughter’s spit up in my hand. I knew that catching it in my hand was much better than having to change yet ANOTHER outfit.

  13. poop in the tub. happened just today. i’ll take barf-catching with bare hands over poop in the tub (and on the tub toys) any day, lol.

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