[Perhaps I should have called this “Body Fluid Edition” instead? That might have been redundant.]
1. Poop in swim diapers. ‘Nuff said.
2. Playmobil or Lego sets that are put together exactly once and for only approximately 42 minutes before they are disassembled and their million tiny pieces scatter to the four winds and end up right under your bed where your feet are likely to find them in the middle of the night.
3. Walking toddlers. Once they start walking, they start falling. That leads to…
4. Mouth injuries. Not only will you want to both hurl and hyperventilate when you see exactly how much a mouth wound bleeds, but you can also have the fun of cradling broken teeth, applying pressure to split lips, or anticipating the Gray Tooth of Nerve Death. Suddenly, preschool pictures won’t seem like something to look forward to anymore.
5. Night terrors. The kid will go back to sleep and won’t remember it in the morning, but the speed ball of adrenaline stuck in your throat after the sudden, blood-curdling, middle-of-the-night screams will not so easily fade.
6. The lost lovey. Your child will never again seem as detail-oriented as when he is listing the attributes of his special buddy, down to the last worn thread on its head or the marker stain on its belly, and why you can never, ever replace it or convince your child that it is okay to sleep without it. FYI: the replacement lovey you bought will not do.
7. Wet sheets. For any reason. Especially in a bed that currently contains you.
8. Dead batteries, particularly on long car or plane trips.
9. Children who have completed potty training but haven’t yet mastered the art of wiping their own bums. For some reason, the call of “Mommy, wipe me!” just demoralizes me every single time.
10. Unexpected stomach viruses, because little kids never, ever make it to the bathroom in time. I once had to clean a trail of bright red spaghetti puke out of one son’s bedroom carpet that started at his bed and continued all the way to the bathroom and splashed up one wall. Spectacular. Another time, my 2-year-old threw up all the way down the slide at the kindergarten Easter Egg Hunt. Children and mothers made a quick mass exodus. We were very popular that year.