A few months ago, a friend suggested I write about a controversial issue she spotted heating up another friend’s Facebook page. Gun control? Gay marriage? The dreaded Fiscal Cliff?
No. Homework. The forgotten kind.
A mother posted on her Facebook status that her young son had forgotten his homework, tucked in his math book, after repeated reminders. She mused to her Facebook universe that one of the hardest things for a mother to do is to let a child learn about responsibility the hard way, and that she was resisting the urge to take the book and homework to school and save her son from himself.
The responses were fast and furious and split pretty much down the middle. Some of her friends opined that taking the homework was coddling her son, helicopter parenting, and basically What’s Wrong with America Today. Another section of friends answered that it wasn’t that big of a deal, that we all make mistakes, and that they did that kind of thing for their own children to show their kids that they have their backs.
It’s kind of a fascinating debate, in part because it does elicit such passionate responses from parents. The reason I didn’t write about it sooner? My friend sent me the Facebook exchange on December 13: the night before the mass shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School. Whatever feelings I had about the dilemma before, all I could think after that day was that there were about 20 parents who desperately wished that forgotten homework was their children’s biggest issue at school. Coddling children didn’t seem like such a problem all of a sudden. If my children had forgotten their homework every day in December, they would have found it waiting for them in the front office every time.
We have a little distance now, though, and with a fifth grader, a third grader, and a kindergartner in my house, I find myself wondering: what would I do? Despite the definite, absolute opinions that people expressed on the Facebook status, I don’t think the answer is cut and dried for me. Every child and every situation (and every parent!) is different. In most cases, children of working parents would not even have the option, for instance. Even more, however, I also don’t think the answer is what will save or ruin American society, and I am getting a little fatigued by the insistence that my generation of parents is doing such a sucky job at it.
I have three extremely different children who are also different kinds of students and possess different levels of organizational skills, but all of my children are at least somewhat responsible and do care about performing well in school, so we don’t have a problem with apathy. But yes, all children — and adults — make mistakes. It happens. The question is, does suffering the consequences of leaving completed homework at home actually prevent children from making the mistake again? That is what I cannot answer. Personally, I have had manufacturer’s coupons for yogurt in my car for about five months now. Every time I go to the grocery store — which is weekly — I have forgotten those coupons. Every time, I remember them only after I am in the store. Yet I still forget them the next time, and I pay much more money for the yogurt I buy than I should. For a child that has issues with organization or listening to repeated reminders actually “learn his lesson” by going to school without the homework? It is definitely a natural consequence, but will it solve the problem?
One commenter replied something to the effect that he would rather a child learn that no one ever died from leaving homework at home, and I completely agree with that. On the other hand, when the child learns it isn’t, in fact, the end of the universe to forget homework, does that lessen the urgency of organizing and making sure his homework is packed up and ready to go each morning?
I have thought about this a lot since my friend brought it up to me. With the children I have, and with the knowledge that I write from home and have some flexibility, I think my personal policy is… that I have no personal policy on forgotten homework. I can imagine some circumstances — unusually busy or out-of-our routine mornings, a presentation with several pieces to it, for example — in which case I would want to take homework to school if I found it. Quite honestly, I would probably also take it if it was just a random fluke, not a frequent problem, and I knew it would just help to have the homework at school. I can remember the stomach-dropping sensation of realizing I wasn’t prepared for a class, and frankly, I think sometimes that sensation itself might be just as effective in making a child want to remember his homework next time.
But I don’t want my children to think I can save them every time and in every instance. I don’t want them to know for sure that I’ll be swooping in to save the day. So, like the mother mentioned above, I probably wouldn’t take the homework if it had been the topic of many reminders. I wouldn’t take it if I was very busy, or had a deadline of my own, or if it would change my schedule unless there was an extenuating circumstance. I am kind of thinking that I wouldn’t take it if my child actually called me and asked me unless it was some unusual grade or project, either. Except when I would, because I can’t pretend to imagine every scenario right now. I think I might work under the assumption that the not knowing, the intermittent reinforcement, would encourage the child to remember it more rather than less.
I want to foster independence, self-reliance, and responsibility in my children. Do I have to make them feel like they are completely on their own, even in elementary school, to do so? Is swallowing the consequences of forgotten homework the first step toward competent adults? Is this, in fact, What Is Wrong with America? Is there room for a gray area, for parents to sometimes have their kids’ backs and sometimes let them flounder? I just don’t have an absolute gut instinct here except to say that I don’t have a gut instinct.
What would you do?
Tomorrow is my installment in our This Is Childhood series, and I’m writing about the wonderful age of FIVE. It’s pretty much my favorite age so far. I hope you’ll check in!
I have done both. I have brought it there and I have let it sit. It all depends on the circumstances surrounding the homework – was there a big battle or repeated discussion about packing up the backpack properly? It also depends on whether I’m heading in that direction or not. I ;like to think about it from an adult perspective – if my husband forgot something he needed, would I bring it to him? Probably. If I could. And if it didn’t mean altering my schedule too much. So that’s my criteria for the kids too. Is it really putting me out? Or does it fit in with my schedule? Think about yourself in those shoes too. What would you want your kid to say if you forgot something? And can’t we learn the lesson about responsibility from having it brought to us? Then teach the lesson later on – “Hey, you forgot your homework last week, how are you going to make sure that doesn’t happen again?”
http://www.slowfamilyliving.com
I think there is a thread of truth in ‘this is what’s wrong with america today’. I strive to parent with logical and natural consequences, but I battle that wish with my desire to protect my kids. In the end, I would bring the homework if it was convenient for me.
I just wanted to add that my parents never coddled me in the slightest and I probably would’ve been punished both at school and at home for forgetting my homework. It didn’t teach me responsibility. It just made me feel like I had mean parents. So there is definitely a balance.
Last week I had to take my daughter’s backpack to school for her. She is a high school junior. I was cussing under my breath all the way, how could a high school junior forget her back pack? My husband told me it was because I have always enabled her. I went into the Dean’s office and the secretary greeted me with such a nice smile. I asked her the same question, How could a junior forget her backpack? She said to me, Well, I forgot my lunch sitting at home on the counter twice last week. And then I thought of all the times I forget things when I go to work or meetings. And I felt a little better and a little less like a failed parent and more like my daughter is just making mistakes like the rest of us.
And if I can help her out, I will. She will only be living with us for one more year and all my help after that will probably have to be long distance. I have faith she will figure out how to do things when she has to. Now I have her back.
Your kids will figure it out , too, as long as they know there is someone there to catch them when they fall.
I was introduced to parent educator, Barbara Coloroso (http://www.kidsareworthit.com/) at my children’s co-op preschool about 4 years ago. I really liked her explanation. If you called your husband and said that the car was running and the doors were locked, but you weren’t in it, would you want him to tell you, “I’m sure next time you’ll remember to keep your keys with you the next time,” or, “I’m on my way,”? She talked about her 2nd grade child forgetting a backpack at home. She asked what was in it that the child couldn’t live without and the child answered that her Valentines were in it, so mom brought the backpack to school. I told my kindergartener last year when he first forgot his library book, which we remembered before class started but not with enough time to run home and back, that I would bring forgotten items to school (which aside from dragging his brother and sister back and forth was no real effort for me since it was literally next door) 5 times during the school year. Even with less important issues, (like the stuffed animal forgotten on stuffed animal day which I found poorly shared with parents of younger students), I ended up going back to school for things he’d forgotten less than 5 times. In time, I came to realize that this particular child was very conscious of the cost of things and once nearly didn’t go to school with a coat because he’d forgotten one and didn’t want to be late going home to get it. (He did have a jacket in the wagon that I had been using to tow his siblings to school so they wouldn’t make him late with their slow walking, but it took much coaxing to get him to even check.) His brother on the other hand, is one to spend more indiscriminately, so it will be interesting to see what happens when he starts school next year. I think you have to take a mixed approach and look at what was forgotten, who forgot it, and what the cost of if not being present is to decide.
I would take my child their homework, but I have the option to do so. Its such a small instance with bigger things happening in our world!
I am one of those that wants my daughter to know I have her back. She is a junior in high school and I can only think of about 3 times in her whole school life that she has called and asked me to bring something. And when she did, it was something important for that particular day. She knows that when she needs help, I am there to give it if I can.
“I just don’t have an absolute gut instinct here except to say that I don’t have a gut instinct.”
Love the honesty! It’s actually quite nice when people DON’T have strong opinions on things. Lately, everyone’s so black-or-white that it’s nauseating. Kudos to you for not being a totalitarian.
By the way, I usually land on the side of bringing the forgotten item, if I am able to do so. There have been occasions when I just couldn’t, though, like when I was in the dentist’s chair when my daughter called, but she knew I wasn’t CHOOSING not to help her. I think there’s a big difference between choosing not to be helpful and simply not being able to help your children. My kids will 100% completely remember that I decided to help/not help them; or that I could/couldn’t help them (and harbor either gratitude or resentment or regret)–but they will STILL absent-mindedly forget the occasional item (it happens to everyone) a couple times a year! I want them to know that I will help them when I can, especially when it’s something important: a paper that, even though was ‘really important’, they still managed to leave on the kitchen counter. If it were a recurring issue, I’m sure I would feel differently. Just so many variables, you can’t be black-and-white about it.
I think you are right not to have a “policy” on this. It depends on the child, the age, and the circumstances. My oldest daughter is very bright but has always struggled a bit when it comes to organization and time management. Part of the struggle was that it didn’t come naturally, and part was that she didn’t see the value in it. She’s very free spirited, that one. There came a point that the only way she was going to see the value was to suffer the consequences. I remember that phone call – when she asked me to bring her binder to school. I was in the grocery and it was not possible for me to get it to her in time, which was probably a good thing because she was in middle school and the mistake was avoidable with a little foresight. It was very hard to let her fail, but I told her it was time for her to “sink or swim.” Now, in high school, although organization and time management still do not come naturally to her, she has devised her own systems that work well for her. She has found the value in organization.