I know it might make me sound materialistic or shallow or like some awful stereotype, but I love to shop. I come from a long line of shoppers, both men and women, so it’s probably some kind of genetic defect or something. I don’t drink a whole lot, I don’t smoke, I’m even cutting way back on my Diet Coke consumption (most days — not yesterday, when I was hanging by a thread after a long week full of PTA and school obligations). I need to allow myself some indulgences, so give me this one.
I have been probably too excited to buy Easter outfits for my kids this year. I have been dressing the boys in the cutest stuff I could find for so many years, but now I get to add in the challenge of a baby girl dress too! After a lot of window shopping both virtual and real, I finally found the perfect ensemble — lavender gingham button-downs for the boys and a green gingham smocked bishop with lavender details for the baby. I have been waiting for a very long time to have a little girl to wear a smocked bishop dress, people. I am excited.
I even found a lavender seersucker shift dress that coordinates with everything for myself, which is true shopping success. But here is where my story turns. I tried it on today, and it doesn’t fit. I’m too big for it.
I still need to lose almost all of my baby weight. I am still breastfeeding. I have been going to the gym pretty dutifully. I am trying to make better eating choices. I know what I have to do. And yet, I haven’t done it yet. So I am too big for the dress.
I’m very sad and angry with myself. I don’t want to wear black to our Easter brunch and egg hunts. I want to wear a dress and feel pretty and springy and like I am somewhat together. I really want that. I’ll still make sure I am in the pictures, but I have to confess that my size makes me feel like I am not yet completely in the actual picture. My size makes me feel invisible. I still feel like I am wearing a fat suit, not showing my real self, only halfway here.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
So I am making this resolution. I don’t have a specific weight or size goal, but I do have a goal: I want to look like my real self. I want every day to be a stepping stone toward that goal. I do not want to eat mindlessly, or to sabotage myself, or to put myself last on my priority list. I would not want my children treat themselves with such disregard. My real self will never be a size 2, will never wear a bikini (and never did, really), will never have a flat tummy. But it’s not this size either.
I wish I could say I had nobler reasons, but the truth is, I am human and I am vain, and I want to wear cute clothes. I want to feel confident. I want to look in the mirror and recognize the image I see as myself. I want to feel like I am not just putting junk into my body and that I am modeling good choices for my kids. But, yes, okay, I really do want those cute clothes. I want to fit into the coordinating Easter dress. I am vowing now to make that happen.
It’s not un-noble or materialistic or shallow to want to feel good in your body. To feel like YOURSELF. I struggled with this so much after my first (and only! so far) child. The only thing that made me feel sane in those first months was to walk up and down and up and down the hills of San Francisco, visualizing shedding those pounds (this will obviously be much harder the second time around, when I’ll have a toddler, too). I was lucky to be able to do that.
I’m back to my “normal” weight now but still struggle with how my body has changed (not for the better. ha) since I had a kid. So totally relate. But be kind to yourself, as well. Buy a pair of amazing earrings or an Easter hat(?) or get a dress in the next size – one you adore – so that you can feel good in the NOW, too. xox
I feel exactly the same way. I look at pictures of myself from our recent Disney trip and compare them to pictures from just a few years ago (not pre-kids pictures… not worth the torture of comparison with those, but just more “me” pictures), and it is frustrating and depressing. I’m so sad for you that you don’t fit in the Easter dress. It sounds like you’re on the right path though, and Lucy still has many more years of gorgeous bishop’s dresses!!! Sorry you’re feeling glum. I’m there too. 🙁
I don’t think it’s either superficial or vain to want your outsides to feel more like home, to feel like you’re living in your “real” body. I’m cheering from here. xo
I read something a while back that struck a chord with me. I want to share it with you in case it is even slightly helpful or inspiring to you on the hard days. The woman was writing about the knack we all have for indulging ourselves in an occasional (or not so occasional) treat. That mindset of “I’ve had a hard day, I deserve this frapuccino” thing. And how when we feel stressed or worn out that making healthier choices, like an almond snack instead of a bag of chips, can feel like more punishment. But what it really is is nurturing your body. Instead of feeling put out over making those choices, just think of it as nurturing yourself. I don’t know why this point of view helped me so much, but the positive spin that I am nurturing myself came together for me. That said, I did eat a donut this morning. Or two. Don’t judge.
I admire your bravery & honesty- wishing you success towards your goal!
I love to shop. I always feel like its not noble enough like crafting or writing. And I know the pain of too big body. It’s tough
I don’t think it’s vain or shallow at all. You said it: you want to feel like you. There are perks to that, like fitting into the cute dresses, but at its essence you want your outsides to match your insides, which are wonderful. No shame in that, and I’m behind you all the way! Of course, you could always train to do the Avon walk with me as motivation… 😉
It’s not vain or shallow to want to look good and feel more like you. If a cute dress is the incentive to reach that goal, then cute dress it is. Good luck, you can do it!
It’s not vain in any ways. It tells you’re human and a smart one, because you care about yourself.
Sending you strong, positive you-can-do-it thoughts.
Love your blog, it’s honest, real and beautiful
I could have written this myself.
I go to the gym almost 5-6 days per week, I try to make my choices better but they aren’t always there and I KNOW I need to. I tried on dresses yesterday because I have my first big presentation at my new job this week….it was not a fun experience in that dressing room.
I join you in your resolution. I need to feel more like me and right now I don’t. I feel like me plus 40 pounds and I hate that.
PS- I LOVE to shop….I may not have the money all the time but I love it.
I was exactly where you are last July. I looked at pictures from my daughters 1st birthday party and didn’t see me in them, I saw someone else and it really made me sad. It’s taken time and hard work (and a LOT of running, which I have found I love), but I’m finally starting to feel like me again. You can totally do it, I have faith in you! Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts!
I’m right there with you. My daughter turned 9 months on Friday. I’m starting next Monday, April 1st. New week, new month, new me. Easter will be my last hurrah. Best of luck to you. Love your blog and your honesty.
I SO feel you, sister. I’ve bargained and ranted and cried and given up about fifteen times each in the last fifteen months. It’s hard. I still haven’t accepted that I won’t look like my “old” self ever again.
It’s a never ending Mom/Woman/Wife/Girlfriend battle. We give and put ourselves on the bottom of the list and then we treat ourselves… with something tasty. It’s okay to be vain. It’s okay to put some thought into what you should eat and what time you get at the gym. Putting thought into it or putting in down on paper will help it manifest. I didn’t do a thing after my first child and just hated myself silently. I’ve lost all the weight of my 2nd plus the extra from my first and now there’s a new challenge, body acceptance. It’s a bitch. Things just ain’t where they used to be:) Keep up the good fight, take every weekend off (I do!), buy the cute clothes and love yourself through it all. You’re beautiful.
Human. Honest. Determined. Love this. Go for it. xox