Eleven Things I Want My Ten Year Old Son to Know… About Dating

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My firstborn and my last born. This is the photo he has as his wallpaper on his iPhone right now. It makes my heart glad that this is important to him.

Ten and a half years ago, my husband and I brought home our firstborn son with trembling hands and racing hearts. I didn’t even know where to begin; it was a new life for me, taking care of a new life. I felt very small and very overwhelmed.

Today, I realized that my firstborn son’s feet are bigger than mine. Again, I felt very small and very overwhelmed.

One of the first revelations I had as a mother was looking into my baby boy’s face and realizing that someday, someone I didn’t know yet was going to love him. I knew even then one of my biggest responsibilities as a mother was to help him grow to be a man who could love and be loved. Now I am realizing that my son is on the cusp of bridging the divide from boy to young man. It has been a journey that began with tiny little steps, then the occasional leap or stair step, and now the sudden arrival at the destination I am not sure I ever allowed myself to envision: the Age of Hormones. Soon, he’ll be stepping out onto the dance floor to begin the dance of adolescence — to fall and be fallen for, to careen from the low lows to the high highs, to feel his heart fill and to feel his heart break, and then to feel how it mends itself, slowly, and only with the balm of time and experience. I am bracing myself, because I know that I will careen right along with him, even if I am not allowed to show it.

Today, my husband made a joke about kissing, and instead of recoiling in horror, our firstborn gave us an arched eyebrow and commented vaguely about needing “practice in that area.” My eyes met my husband’s, and we knew: here we are. Here we go.

Hold me.

As he embarks on this particular adventure, I have a few things I really, really want my son to know. I only hope I can convey them to him in a way that he will both listen and understand in these next many years. Here are eleven things — not the only eleven things, and not even really addressing sex itself — I would like my 10 year old son to know about relationships and dating and girls, some of them now, some of them eventually:

1. Above all: always, always, always be kind. There will be people — girls especially, I suspect — who will like you more than you like them. There will be people who will want to befriend you with whom you will not feel a connection. You are under no obligation to be friends or more with these people just to save their feelings, but be kind. Be gentle with other people’s hearts. Treat everyone with the kindness you would hope for your own baby sister, whom I know you adore.

2. That said, set limits and boundaries. Don’t let someone else consume you. Maintain your identity. When you are being your genuine self, you are most attractive to the people who will be healthiest for you. Your life is yours, and the right person will want to partner with you, to share with you, but will also value you for being a separate and individual person — both in friendships and in romantic relationships.

3. When breaking up with a girlfriend (or anyone, for that matter), be direct. Don’t take the time-worn strategy of acting like a jerk in the hopes that she will break up with you first so you don’t have to break up with her. Yes, girls know that trick. Just be honest and tell her how you feel. Own your words. It will be healthier for you both.

4. Don’t ever call a girl or a woman who likes you or has dated you a “psycho.” Even if she is a psycho, don’t call her that. She had the good sense to like you. Respect her. Same goes for the word “slut.” Related pro tip: Nothing makes someone “psycho” faster than when you aren’t direct about breaking up with her.

5. Everyone you date will someday either be an ex or a spouse. Choose carefully and accordingly.

6. Appreciate smart girls. Really appreciate smart girls with a sense of humor. Physical attraction is important, but look beyond the surface. When all is said and done, you want to be with someone who can talk to you, talk to your friends, and laugh with you and make you laugh. It’s harder to find that combination than you think.

7. For the love of all that is good and holy, pull up your pants. Justin Bieber is cute and very talented (in my boring mom opinion), but the saggy pants and that sideways hat tell me that his maturity has not yet reached the level of his talent. While you are at it, brush your teeth and wear deodorant. That’s all we really ask of you: to be clean and to smell good. If you knew what girls are going through in comparison, you wouldn’t flinch at these small requests.

8. This is a tough one. It starts with no means no, and that is non-negotiable. But it doesn’t end there. Drunk means no too. To make things even more complicated, sometimes girls will offer themselves to you, sober or not, and you will know that you don’t want the same thing they want or that the situation isn’t healthy for them or for you. That is when you must say no too. It might be very difficult in the moment. It might be tempting. It might seem like it’s not a big deal, but it is. Please, respect yourself and respect her and say no.

9. Tip well. Give good gifts. Thoughtful generosity (or a lack of it) says a lot about the person you are. You don’t have to lavish anyone with extravagant baubles or dozens of roses, but always give your loved one gifts of some kind on birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. No matter how small or humble, a gift is important. It’s not about the gift itself; it is about the act of giving and about the message that you remember, and you cherish. Which leads me to…

10. Love is a verb. When you love someone, you have to work for that relationship. You can’t just say the words; you can’t just expect butterflies and rainbows. You have to work. If you’re not ready to do the work, you’re not ready for a relationship. Notice that I did not say that love means pain. Sometimes it ends that way, but it shouldn’t start that way, and it shouldn’t live that way. Love is a verb, though: it is patient, it is kind. It forgives. It isn’t easy. But it is worth it. And P.S. — That goes both ways. Expect the same for yourself, and don’t settle for less.

11. Here is one to grow on: Go for it. Don’t hold back because you fear she might not like you back. Ask her out. Kiss the girl. Don’t worry about ruining a friendship or the hurt you might experience from a rejection. A (male) friend recently mentioned this advice as something he wishes he could have told his younger self, and I wholeheartedly agree. Rejection is better than regret.

Good luck, my baby boy. Be good. Or else.

 

 

 

 

24 Replies to “Eleven Things I Want My Ten Year Old Son to Know… About Dating”

  1. What a great post. I like them all, but I REALLY like #1, 4, 9 and 10. I would also add “crazy” and “bitch” to the “Don’t ever call a girl/woman” list. I will keep this in mind for when my 6yo is a tween/teenager — I know that it will be here way too soon.

  2. My son is a few years older than your boy and is right now in the thick of the boy/girl drama that is middle school. All of the things that you said still apply. I use the sister thing a lot. My boy adores his older and younger sisters and is very protective over their feelings. I always tell him to treat AND SPEAK OF other girls in the manner that he wants his sisters to be treated or spoken of. That being said, I really wish the mothers of the girls in his school would give similar lessons, because heartbreak and confusion goes in both directions. My boy is big and strong and tough, but he has a sensitive heart that middle school girls are not always so gentle with.

  3. Nice article: but perhaps you are assuming he is straight? He probably is. But everything you said applies equally if he were gay straight or bi. And I hope he ll still be your little boy and you will continue to love him if he is not straight.
    That said, why hoes a 10 year old have an iphone? haha.

    1. I replied to Josh offline too, but I wanted to state in public that though my son is presenting straight at this point, I love people of every sexual identity and I wrote this post so it could go either way on purpose.

      As for the iPhone — basically, he has one because he has started to go places where I would like to be able to keep in touch with him by text and phone, and we were upgrading. That is the only reason, and I know it sounds ridiculous even to me! It’s my ancient 3GS. So far, it’s working well for me. Internet is disabled, and he turns it in every night at 7 PM.

  4. GAH!!! How can we be here? But let me just say: that any son of yours is welcome to date any daughter of mine (and I’m particularly thinking of your mutual 10 year olds) … these pieces of advice are wise and loving, tough and thoughtful, and above all, TRUE. I will be sharing them with both of my children. Please, please let them hear them. xox

  5. Allison,
    I love reading your posts so please keep writing!
    My oldest son is 8 and he also has a baby sister he adores.
    I too am starting to see the person he is becoming just as you describe.
    I also know a lot will change in the next two years until my son turns 10.
    Perhaps because he is younger and still very innocent I am having a hard time imagining all this beginning to be appropreate in just two years. Isn’t 10 a bit early for kissing? Am I totally naive about what’s around the corner?

    I do worry about all this assumed heartbreak for your or any other child’s future. I was very hurt by some of the relationships I had growing up. I feel like we need to shield kids a bit from this.
    Although i didnt believe this growing up i now see that not all realationships and heartbreak make you stronger and better.
    But how does a parent do that? I guess just to make informed decisions about their life and to stay involved with our kids as best as we can.
    In my case my kids dont go to a regular public school since we are religious and my son goes to a religous school. He will be in classes that are separated between boys and girls by a certain age and may go to an all boys high school. But I am not extreme in my thinking or the need to separate boys and girls. But I do think delaying certain things as much as possible and shielding kids to a certain extent is better for them.

    I was also a bit taken aback by the gay comment. First of all you know your son and wrote about him in accordance to that. Second, as you wrote, he made a comment about kissing (girls presumably) so that is another indicator. Sometimes it just is what it is. Your son is 10 and I just don’t see how that comment is relevant at all. Also, of course your list would be appropreate for either of the sexes and for any type of relationship. Gay or straight.

    Just my two cents, thanks for the great post and I will definitely keep it in mind for the future!

  6. Allison, I just discovered your blog and I love the way you write. You are truly inspirational. I have a 2 yr old boy and when his time for relationships come I am going to read this out to him. Please keep on writing.

    J

  7. Thank you! These lessons swirl around in my heart and I don’t always trust myself that I will have the right words to teach them.

  8. Awesome advice! I used it in the past, and now my girlfriend loves me as much as her family — if not, more.

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