[I asked my friend and college classmate, Jessica, to write a guest post for me about talking to our children about what the word “gay” means. I asked her because I have, in the past year, needed to explain it to all three of my boys, and because I know that at least one of my children has heard it used in a derogatory manner at school. Jessica is an expert in such matters, and as you can see, the whole concept doesn’t faze her a bit. Now, I am an ally in LGBTQ causes, but I realize that not everyone feels the same way I do — even in my own family. But I agree with Jessica that no matter how one feels about these issues, it is one of our parental responsibilities to explain what “gay” means to our children, because it is part of their world whether they are gay themselves or not. I agree with her that children understand what love is and what it means, and I think it’s an excellent starting point. Maybe you do too. In any case, this post is not a debate about gay marriage, nor is it a debate about the morality of homosexuality. It is, in fact, about parenting. — Allison]
“Mommy, what does ‘gay’ mean?”
“Um… uh… it means happy! Happy and gay! Now what should we have for breakfast?”
(This message was brought to you by the Association for Nervous Parents, and sponsored by the Foundation of What Not to Do.)
Parents, listen up. This is not rocket science. But it might hurt, just a little.
As an advocate for the safety of LGBTQ youth in schools and a mother of three girls aged seven and under, I am often asked HOW a parent can explain “gay” to children, and more importantly WHY would they? People sometimes give me the side-eye, as if I am up to no good, when I explain that my own kids have known about gay couples since they were toddlers. Well, stay with me here—but the truth is, the answers to both of these questions are remarkably easy.
Q: HOW do you explain “gay” to kids?
A: Simply!
Q: WHY do you explain “gay” to kids?
A: Because you have to!
Little kids don’t know about sex. NOR SHOULD THEY. What they DO know about is families. And the idea of marriage. Because they have likely observed at least one of these concepts in their own homes or in the social landscape at large.
So when my best male friend R was coming to meet my girls for the first time and he was bringing along his partner of 10 years, M, I made this NOT-AT-ALL-SCARY declaration: “Girls, this is R, and this is M. They are married just like Mommy and Daddy, and they love each other just like Mommy and Daddy.”
Did my girls’ heads pop off? No. Did their eyes bug out? No. Did they immediately erupt into detailed questions about R and M’s personal life and morality-laden inquiries about non-reproductive sexual conduct? HELL NO.
Did they ask if R and M brought them presents? Um, yes.
And that’s about it. I think you could do this!
Put aside, for a moment, the fact that R and M are not legally married (because they can’t legally marry in their home state). Kids don’t ask to see marriage licenses. Kids understand the world within their established framework, and kids understand marriage. Marriage is a heuristic—a mental shortcut—for a greater concept. Kids can understand that you MARRY WHO YOU LOVE. We say this all the time in my house. Trust me: it works.
But what if my child is older?, you ask. What if he already knows about the birds and the bees? How do I explain birds with birds, or bees with bees?? Help!
Again, and here I’m quoting a cranky old guy I know: “Keep it simple, stupid!” You can say, “Obviously, two boys or two girls can’t do exactly the same things in their bedrooms as a boy and a girl do. But you know what? A lot of what they do is exactly the same.” And if your kid wants to know more and is old enough to know more, then he probably also knows about this poorly-kept secret: THE INTERNET. You’re welcome! Direct him to an information-oriented site such as http://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/youth-resources.htm to get him started, and then promise you won’t go snooping through his browser history from there.
Please don’t let your religious beliefs keep you from explaining this concept to your children. This is not about religion. Gay is everywhere, like it or not. It’s on your TV, it’s in the President’s inaugural address, and soon it’s going to be in your schools, because gay kids end up dead when it isn’t. You can choose not to have a gay relationship, you can disapprove of gay marriage, you can believe that gay people don’t get into heaven. What you CANNOT do, however, is tell children that gay people don’t exist, because willful ignorance leads to hateful ignorance. Only one Matthew Shepard needs to die, alone and tied to a fence post, to teach us that painful fact.
There is one last reason why you need to explain gay to your kids: YOUR kid might grow up to be gay. Go ahead: gasp, wring your hands, put your therapist’s number on speed dial. Won’t change a damn thing. Now, odds are, your child WON’T be gay: the statistical likelihood hovers at around 10 percent. But will your child have a gay friend, a gay teacher, a gay teammate, or a gay coworker one day? You betcha. The closet door is wide open. LGBTQ people are taking their rightful place as American citizens in one big old gay parade.
So the choice is yours: Do you embrace this new reality and give your kids a straightforward, age-appropriate explanation of two people who share the same loving feelings for each other as do you and YOUR spouse or significant other? Or do you do the dance, change the subject, and hope like heck that all the gay people turn straight before your kid raises the dreaded subject again?
Look around you. The world is full of difficult conversations we must have with our children. This is not one of them. It’s easy. It’s love. And it’s time.
Jessica Mayer Herthel is the mother of 3 girls and currently works as a consultant with the Broward County, Florida, school district. In that role, Jessica has developed LGBTQ-inclusive curriculum, approved LGBTQ-friendly books for school libraries, and drafted a handbook of best practices for principals and administrators regarding LGBTQ youth concerns.
Bravo. You continue to inspire me JMH. And bravo AST for including this here.
Amen. I have witnessed this with my own children, who are 8 and 10. One of the closest people to our family is a lesbian, in a committed relationship, and getting married soon. My children do not even remotely flinch; it is simply another way of being in the world. Which I agree with. I love that they’ve had this role modeled for them so early, and so well. May they continue to feel as open and unjudgmental about this as I do. xox
Last night I was sitting at a table with my 3 daughters, two of their friends and the mother of the friends. We were there to hear our husbands’ band. After a time my nearly five year old said, “Hey mom, what if people think the two of you are married?” and she pointed at the two of us. “Because you know girls can marry.” Then she watched us waiting. We laughed and explained that people probably wouldn’t make that mistake, butt that she was right, girls can marry and that we do love each other, but in a different way. Then we got to talking about how all different kinds of love are beautiful. I am so grateful we have this open line of communication.
Allison, thank you for using your space (and your heart) to share this post and author.
Great post. I’m going to give myself a little pat on the back because I think I’ve explained “gay” to my kids just about the way she recommended. 🙂 Hopefully the generation of our kids will grow up more open, more understanding, with less fear and hatred. I think they will, but I suppose time will tell.
And… just to show my ignorance, what does the “Q” stand for?
Ann, in the past, Q has stood for “queer,” but these days, it more often stands for “questioning.” I learned that from Jessica too!
Thank you thank you thank you!! A girl in my son’s KG class has 2 Moms and you know what kids don’t care, they don’t judge. You love who you love, families come in different packages, we should all be supporting each other as parents. Sidenote- my parents told me gay meant happy, as in, the kids on the bus think Michael Jackson is really happy. I was totally shocked when I found out another meaning in high school people, high school. Sheesh.
Great post, appreciate your work with the LGBTQ community; saw the link on fb through my friend Nikki Goldstein Levine :_)
Beautifully written!
As a parent educator/ GLBTQ advocate myself, I agree with Jessica that simple is the way to go, but even MORE simple (unless you want to also introduce straight couples as “Married just like we are, and love each other just like we do.” My 4 and 7 year old just get, “This is blank, and this is her partner/ his boyfriend.” ‘Nuff said–kids don’t have our social baggage–they just say, “OK.” Not to mention, that many gay couple (including the one in the article) still cannot marry, and I think kids can wrap their tiny brains around that concept too. Think of their outrage when their sibling gets 5 cookies to their 4-kids can understand the inherent inequality in some people thinking some others do not deserve the same things as everyone else–these are GREAT opportunities for beautiful and important conversations.
Finally, (then I’ll shut up, I promise) the CDC can be a great resource (though not about relationships), and please do NOT promise your kids you will never check their browser history! I equate that to promising to never take their temperature or check that their seatbelt is properly fastened. A promise like that may not end well.
But a great article, Jessica-thank you for the time and energy you put into this.
What a wonderful post! This should make its way over to Huffington Post.
Just FYI on my Words of Wisdom page, I have the acronym KISS- but I am a cranky middle age lady so this stands for Keep It Simple Sweetheart.
Thank you for illustrating how easy and simple it can be to deliver messages of love and compassion.